


Underneath

by NEVERTRUE



Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, Based on Adam Lambert's Underneath, Being sorry, Blood, Credits to the writers of the song, Cutting, I just lent it, I love-hate this, Original work - Freeform, Sad, Self-Harm, Something I accidentally wrote tonight in a boost of inspiration, Songfic, Suicidal Thoughts, Taru is bad at tagging, angsty, beautiful but sad, poem-ish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-06
Updated: 2017-10-06
Packaged: 2019-01-09 22:22:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12285489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NEVERTRUE/pseuds/NEVERTRUE
Summary: ~ A red river of screams, tears in my eyes, stars in my black and blue sky ~A story of a girl who wanted to be something, but couldn't. Songfic, it has the lyrics of Adam Lambert's Underneath in it and the text is based on them.





	Underneath

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This is my first try in an original story and something I just wrote tonight, in the past three hours, instead of sleeping... 
> 
> CONTAINS SELF-HARM AND BLOOD AND THOIGHTS OF SUICIDE, be warned.

_Strip away the flesh and bone_

She was undressing, slowly taking off her jeans, then the jumper, leaving her standing in a white top and underwear, just staring at herself in a mirror, seeing all her flaws.

_Look beyond the lies you've known_

She didn’t want to see herself, she didn’t want to look at the scars on her thighs and waist, the ones on the insides of her arms and on her sides. But she did want to show them to that person.

_Everybody wants to talk about a freak_

Oh, if she would’ve gotten a penny for every time someone had called her a freak, weird, ugly, fat, scary, unpleasant in some way, too something, usually too much.

_No one wants to dig that deep_

But not one person had really taken their time to get to know her, not before them. There had been people that she had thought were close to her, but had either faded away or betrayed her in some way.

_Let me take you underneath_

She really wanted to show her problems to that person, but standing there, in front of her full length mirror, she knew she couldn’t do that, she was too ugly to actually stand in front of another person, even just mentally naked, she couldn’t let that person see into her soul and tell her she is a freak.

_Baby, better watch your step_

She carefully took off her top, standing there in her bra and panties, letting her gaze go up and down and take in all the smallest things in her body. How could anyone love a person like this? But she wanted to tell her story to that person and telling it, she would have to be able to show herself to them. “Be careful with what you want” She whispered to herself, just a small reminder

_Never mind what's on the left_

“Don’t care about my past, it’s the thing that makes me me, but it’s not the thing that I'm going to be in the future” She wrote letter after letter, telling her feelings towards the other one, how she wanted the other to save her.

_You're gonna see things you might not wanna see_

She wanted them to look at the scars, the mental ones as well as the physical ones. She wanted them to see what there was, who she was, and not judge her but to tell her it’s ok, that she will be ok. She already was so much better than what she had been before, what she had been that time.

_It's still not that easy for me underneath_

But it was hard, she had her setbacks, she had her problems, she needed to be needed. To be able to heal she needed to be held down when she trashed and cried, she needed to be told she was beautiful and important, a million times a day, but she was too afraid to ask for it, so she just kept repeating “I love you, I miss you” to someone who just sometimes responded.

_Welcome to my world of truth_

She decided that she would need to do it at some point, tell everything about her to that person, just to see if they would be able to take it, if they could handle her being broken and with the pressure of her asking them to help with fixing her.

_I don't wanna hide any part of me from you_

She couldn’t pretend that she was fine, or well, she could, but after she had once burst, just one small cut in her armor, it started to all crumble out, slowly but surely, in sudden bursts. Making her vulnerable in front of the other, giving the other the power to completely destroy her.

_I'm standing here with no apologies_

SHe kept apologising over and over, not actually meaning it, she really wanted to tell the other everything, just not that way, not when she wanted to die, but when she was feeling like she wanted to tell it, like a story, not at the moment, not just telling her plans, her problems, her needs.

_Such a beautiful release_

Every time she had told something to them she felt relieved, she felt right, she felt like she could tell them everything. It felt right. But also every time she was afraid that she had done too much, that now she finally had scared them away, that now they wouldn’t return to her anymore, but start ignoring her and tell her to go seek help. She was mental

_You inside of me_

It felt like then she had given the other access to her thoughts, heart and soul, like the other could roam there freely, and it made her so afraid, what if she wouldn’t be strong enough for them to get to know, what if they would make her crumble, what if they would be the reason she died?

_A red river of screams_

There, standing in front of the mirror, she started playing with her favorite knife, bringing it to her skin, letting the beautiful red substance flow from the cut the knife had created. She let her blood soak the fingers holding the knife, now bringing it to just underneath the first cut, making another.

_Underneath_

She started to feel better, the bad was flowing out of her, it was already the fourth cut, now changing the place from her hip to her waist

_Tears in my eyes_

She was crying, letting the tears flow freely down her cheeks, onto her chin and down her neck, making her makeup smudge and stain her cheeks with dark lines

_Underneath_

More cuts, she could now maybe count ten, and she was starting to feel dizzy, maybe she should stop for now

_Stars in my black and blue sky_

She saw white spots, her vision was slowly filling with them, and she stumbled her way to her bed, still seeing the image of herself in her head. The knife was lying next to her and she just smiled.

_And underneath_

She was really dizzy, feeling like she would pass out, so she covered herself with her blanket, staring at the roof she barely could see. The image of her ugliness prominent in front of her eyes

_Under my skin_

Everything bad came from the inside, and now she had once again cleaned herself from the bad things. Now she, for a moment, felt better and could breathe, until everything turned black

_Underneath the depths of my sin_

Sinner, that was what she was, doing bad things just to feel alive, she knew it was wrong what she did, but she couldn’t stop herself. Drinking, smoking, cutting shallow cuts into her skin.

_Look at me_

You look at me, you are afraid, but you don’t actually see me. And I want you to see me

_Now do you see?_

She needed them to tell her that they loved her just as she was, that they would protect her from herself, that they would listen when she needed to be heard, that they would just hold her for a moment, but they never did

_Underneath_

She knew they couldn’t understand, but she wanted them to try and not just deny the existence of her problems

_Welcome to my world of truth_

She couldn’t ask for more than they already gave her, no matter that it was far from enough. She would have needed someone to lean on, someone who would look at her and tell her that she could make it, that she could survive another day in this world

_A red river of screams_

She screamed and shouted in her sleep, trying to get away from the monsters, but she couldn’t because the monster was her.

_Underneath_

Everything came from inside her head, she knew that. She couldn’t plead help from another child, another person so young, that would just break them, make them break under the pressure, but she did.

_Tears in my eyes_

She cried in front of another person for the first time in so long, it didn’t matter that the person couldn’t see her, they could hear her break down, and that’s where it all began.

_Underneath_

She wanted that person to heal her wounds, but oh, she was asking for too much, that person didn’t know how to handle her, not at all

_Stars in my black and blue sky_

They made her feel alive too, but they didn’t know it, or if they did, then they couldn’t understand because every time she needed them the most they weren’t there for her.

_And underneath_

Maybe everything she did was wrong, just like she had thought from the beginning. She had told herself millions of times to not to get to know new people, she would just break them

_Under my skin_

But she decided that they might be strong enough, not really even looking at the facts. She just wanted that person to be a part of her life because that person lit up her whole world.

_Underneath the depths of my sin_

The other was younger than her, by over a year and still finding themself, who wouldn’t be at that age, but she just threw her problems at them, too fast and too honest. But she wanted to turn into a better person for them, so maybe, together, they could work everything out

_Look at me, Now do you see?_

The problem was, the other clearly didn’t want to, they avoided all the talk about her problems, saying they couldn’t handle it, that they didn’t know what to say to her, making her feel anxious about being herself, made her try to hide everything and be normal, but she couldn’t

 

_Welcome to my world of truth_

_I don't wanna hide any part of me from you_

 

I’m sorry I fell for you.

But really, it was once again her own fault for messing up.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi again and thank you for reading this. This is my first original work ever that I even thought of posting online and ended up posting it here for reason unknown. I just wanted to.
> 
> I hope anyone who read this isn't triggered by anything in it and I apologise if that happened.
> 
> Also there's this one particular person that knows that I'm meaning them hopefully. I'm so sorry, I could apologise a million times and I'd still be sorry. <3
> 
> With Love, Taru


End file.
